New Zealand

Black Ferns, Lorde and the Briscoes Lady: 100 Kiwi woman who could fight a gorilla - and win

Move aside, men, the gals are here to finish the job.

OPINION: The viral question of how many men it would take to defeat a single Gorilla has been the talk of the Internet - but there’s one problem that we need to address.

You may have seen recently, a bloke on Reddit created his own list of 100 Kiwi men who he thought would be up for the job. It included Dan Carter, Piri Weepu, the Mad Butcher, and heaps more icons… but what about our very strong and intelligent wāhine? 

They’ve got the stamina, muscles, brain power and the sheer determination to take that gorilla down - dare we say, with some great strategy (thought up by me, of course).

So hear us out, we've carefully selected who we’d send on the front line, who would be our final boss and every crucial fighter in between to secure the win. 

We asked for suggestions from the office and the More FM Facebook page to make sure we weren’t missing anyone crucial to the battle, so you can pat yourselves on the back for helping us curate this specially crafted list.

With the country so proud of its sporting greats, it’s only right we start there! 

Dame Valerie Adams, Portia Woodman, and Mea Motu are some of the best athletes we have, and they’d no doubt dominate on the front line. 

With Portia owning the title of being the Black Ferns' all-time leading try scorer, she’s running it straight to knock the beast of an animal off its feet as Valerie locks and loads shot puts at speed.

Backing them up? The savage humour of the Topp Twins, Tina from Turners pulling up in her Hiace, with Karen “20 F-ing Whacks”  already swinging and the Briscoes Lady slinging sale signs up the wazoo - those 60% offers are the ones doing the most damage, obvs.

FIRST WAVE:
  • Dame Valerie Adams

  • Portia Woodman Wickliffe

  • Honey Hireme-Smiler

  • Karen "20 Whacks"

  • Jools and Lynda Topp

  • Keisha Castle-Hughes

  • Karen O'Leary

  • Shiray Kaka

  • Jorja Miller

  • Mea Motu

  • Michaela Blyde

  • Tina from Turners

  • Briscoes Lady

  • Lily from Big Save Furniture

  • Brodie Kane

  • Lisa Perese-Cullen

  • Laura Daniel

  • Suzanne Paul

Then we’re sending in the politicians, journalists, and media icons Jacinda Ardern, Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, and Judith Collins in our second wave; they’re working together in a new and very terrifyingly effective way.

They’re supported by Wendy Petrie, Sam Hayes, and Hilary Barry, who have done ALL the research on the Gorilla’s previous fighting tactics to really target the weak spots.

SECOND WAVE:
  • Jacinda Ardern

  • Helen Clark

  • Judith Collins

  • Hilary Barry

  • Tova O’Brien

  • Debbie Ngarewa-Packer

  • Polly Gillespie

  • Siouxsie Wiles

  • Jenny Shipley

  • Nicola Willis

  • Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke

  • Lucy Lawless

  • Chlöe Swarbrick

  • Paula Bennett

  • Dame Susan Devoy

  • Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

  • Rachel Hunter

  • Robyn Malcolm

  • Trelise Cooper

  • Karen Walker

  • Samantha Hayes

  • Wendy Petrie

Just as the Gorilla starts to tire, we pull all of our best tricks out of the bag with some of our most talented actresses, Melanie Lynskey, Anna Paquin, Frankie Adams, and Shavaughn Ruakere. They know how to play dead, giving false hope of success.

That’s when we send in the negotiators, including Suzy Cato, Sarah Gandy, and Shortland Street’s Leanne and Yvonne. They’ve got a calm and convincing way with words, giving the gorilla its last chance to surrender.

When it doesn’t, ‘cause why would it? We use Parris Goebel and Lorde’s dancing as distractions, while we let Brooke Fraser, Gin Wigmore, and Bic Runga play their music on repeat - kinda like how hold music in a phone call has taught us that there’s only so many times you can listen to it before giving up on your mission. 

Negotiators:
  • Suzy Cato

  • Sarah Gandy

  • Nadia Lim

  • Shortland Street’s Leanne

  • Rose Matafeo

  • Rachel House

  • Judy Bailey

  • Teuila Blakely

  • Yvonne from Shortland Street

  • Zoë Bell, Brooke Fraser

  • Bic Runga

  • Boh Runga

  • Kimbra

  • Gin Wigmore

  • Benee

  • Rita West

  • Shaaanxo

  • Lorde

  • Melanie Lynskey

  • Parris Goebel

  • Kaylee Bell

  • Lady Shaka

  • Anna Paquin

  • Jo Cotton

  • Megan Alatini

  • Erika Takacs

  • Keri Harper

  • Carly Binding

  • Cassie Henderson

  • Frankie Adams

  • Madeleine Sami

  • Jackie van Beek

  • Shavaughn Ruakere

To really bring us home, our reinforcements are stacked featuring New Zealand's most decorated Olympian, Lisa Carrington - with enough medals to hold down the Gorilla - and a strong cricket bat attack from Amelia Kerr and Sophie Devine.

Then, Urzila Carlson roasts the gorilla so hard that it questions its existence.

Reinforcements:
  • Lydia Ko

  • Zoe Hobbs

  • Eliza McCartney

  • Zoi Sadowski-Synnott

  • Lisa Carrington

  • Sarah Hirini

  • Kayla Johnson

  • Kendra Cocksedge

  • Ruby Tui

  • Sophie Pascoe

  • Dame Farah Palmer

  • Beatrice Faumuina

  • Amelia Kerr

  • Sophie Devine

  • Courtney Duncan

  • Sarah Walker

  • Erika Fairweather

  • Emma Twigg

  • Stacey Waaka

  • Lana Searle

  • Tegan Yorwarth

  • Mel Abbott

  • Urzila Carlson

Scrambled and on its last legs, we put the beast up against our final boss - Camilla the Gorilla!

The ‘What Now’ mascot manages to secure the win with one final blow. She carries us to victory, and the parade is bigger than anything Queen Street has ever seen.

THE FINAL BOSS
  • Camilla the Gorilla from ‘What Now’

When the dust settles, Joy Cowley will read the eulogy no one asked for, but everyone needed.

Because let’s be honest. It only takes 99 Kiwi women to take down one gorilla.

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